10 Ways To Deal With Narcissists

maxresdefault

If you are reading this because you are going through some kind of narcissistic abusive cycle with someone in your life I truely hope that you can find your voice. I would love for you to break free from those heavy chains and to blossom into the wonderful person we both know you can be. You see, as long as you are under a narcissists spell they will always pull your puppet strings and they will always control you. I am here to tell you how to stop them in their tracks.
LETS-GET-STARTED-arrows

1. Speak Up For Yourself!

A narcissist will be sure to strip you bare of your self confidence. They will make sure that you have no self worth and they thrive on you being timid and unable to properly communicate with others. This makes it very easy for them to control you. And I know from experience that every time you want to stand up for yourself you either don’t because you are too afraid or you have held it in so long that when you do it comes out as an outburst of anger and makes you look like the one who has the problem. In order to make sure this does not happen it is better to speak up for yourself every time they take your power away from you. If they say something to hurt your feelings then tell them that in a clear and confident tone. If need be tell them that you will not tolerate any form of abuse from them. When you do that they are stumped because they do not expect you to stand up for yourself nevermind confidently.

2. Act Happy And Content Around Them!

One thing I have most certainly noticed is that a narcissist gets upset or angry (in some cases both) when they see you happy and having a good time. This makes them feel like they are losing control over you and that their tactics are not working. It hurts them a great deal infact. I am not condoning making someone feel bad or to deliberately upset them, however, you need to stop them from taking your power and using it to drain the life force out of you.

3. Set Clear Boundaries!

One thing a narcissist loves is to overstep your boundaries. They do not feel empathy for you and will go at any length to make sure that your boundaries are stomped on and torn apart so that they have more access to your self worth so that they can tear that apart too. You are entitled as an individual human being living on this planet to set boundaries. Some people may think this does not apply to them because they have no sense of self (social anxiety disorder) or feel like they are not worth anything due to having such a low self esteem. I can tell you with absolute certainty that YOU are allowed to have boundaries and that other people in your life DO have to respect that. Make sure that you tell the narcissist that they need to respect your boundaries BUT do it in a soft yet confident tone. Don’t do it in a way that could provoke them.

4. Don’t Give In To Their Sense Of Entitlement!

The narcissist loves to think they are entitled to have what they want and they will always try to convince you to give it or in some cases to buy it for them. When you don’t give them what they want or behave the way they want you to then they feel that you are selfish and self centred. An example would be going to the shops and them constantly hinting at something they want in such a way that it makes you want to get it for them just to get them to stop. If they do not get it they sulk for the remainder of the day in order to make you feel bad about it. DO NOT give in to this. DO NOT feel bad about it either. We both know that they would not return the favour because they do not see you as worthy.

5. Don’t Take It Personally!

A narcissist is very good at making you feel bad about yourself. They do this by any means possible and they deliberately try to trigger you at any chance that they get. They love to criticise you, blame everything on you and to try to convince you that you are the problem (gaslighting). They will make you feel guilty for all sorts of reasons. They will make you believe your are worthless. They will tell you that nobody likes you and that everybody feels that they have to walk on eggshells around you. I understand how difficult it is to ignore this kind of behaviour and to let it go because it gets to you. It gets to you so much that you believe every word of it. The narcissist wants you to feel this way. You know who you are. Deep down inside you know what you are capable of and what personality type you are. You know which parts of yourself you show to others. Believe yourself, not them.

6. Don’t Try To Defend Yourself To Others!

The narcissist will try to taint your name and to paint a very bad picture of you to other people behind your back. They will even do it sitting in the other room within earshot. That is how confident they are that you won’t stand up for yourself. They will make sure that other people in and around your circle believe that you are an absolutely terrible person and that you treat them badly. They will tell them that you act all innocent infront of everyone but show your true colours behind closed doors. This is them projecting their own behaviour and twisting it to make them think it’s you and not them. Most people feel the need to go to those people and to defend themselves and to tell them the truth so that they can see what is really happening. I can assure you that you do not need to do this. It is absolutely NOT necessary. I firmly believe that actions speak louder than words. People can tell what kind of person you are by your actions and they will eventually see the narcissist for who they really are. As the saying goes, he who shouts the loudest often has the most to hide. Sound familiar?

7. Keep A Safe Distance!

Being around a narcissist all the time can be damaging and have have long lasting consequences. Unfortunately, there are certain people we have to be around due to certain circumstances and that can’t always be avoided. But, you do need to keep a safe distance so that you can have sufficient recovery time and enough space to be yourself. Even if you are in the same house, town, city etc you do not have to spend every waking moment with them, even if they expect you do (remember those boundaries). Some people can handle their narcissist in very small doses. Anything more than that can poison you and we don’t want that. We want freedom and that means keeping a safe distance.

8. Don’t Try To Change Yourself To Keep Them Happy!

You DO NOT have to change who you are or even parts of yourself to fit into the box that someone else has built for you. The narcissist is very good at making you climb into that box so that others can see that what they say about you rings true. You are free to be yourself and if that means making them angry then so be it. Let them be angry. Let them be upset. Let them sulk for days on end. As long as you are true to yourself nothing else matters.

9. You Do Not Have To Stay With An Abusive Partner!

This is a very bitter pill to swaller BUT I say this sincerely and with the best intent. You do not have to stay with an abusive partner. The narcissist partner will control you and every decision you make until you are too broken to mend. I do not believe a narcissist can change because it is a disorder of the personality. I understand that they cannot help this but they do like being this way because let’s face it. If a person feels not empathy for others it makes it easy to want to be controlling and to have power over you. They love being who they are and they cannot imagine being anyone else. I guess everyonen needs love but you need to make sure it’s not hurting you more than nurturing you. Leave if you want to. Leave if you have to. Leave if you need to. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Save yourself from further damage so that you can be loved by someone that deserves you.

10. Don’t Give In To Manipulation!

You do not have to do everything the narcissist wants you to. One thing they are very good at is manipulation. They will always try to get you to do what they want you to do. This can be anything from the clothing you buy to what you eat for dinner. They seem to have a “my way or the highway” attitude and always try to manipulate and bully you into buying, doing, saying, eating, wanting or even seeing things as they want you to. They are basically pulling puppet strings. You are allowed to do, buy, eat, say and want anything you want because you are not a part of their personality, you are an individual human being with individual wants and needs. We are not all the same and we do not all have to do what everyone else likes. Do what makes you happy.

Busselton Jetty

I went snorkeling at Busselton Jetty today. It was absolutely amazing. Such a wonderful experience. Took my underwater camera with me but it got waterlogged somehow so now its sitting in a bowl of rice (I’m hoping it works). If it’s still not working after that then all the underwater pics I took are gone! I have sand and salt in every nook and cranny but I feel fantastic! 🏖️🌊🐠🐠🐡🐡🐟🐟

Why I Came Out Later Than I Should Have

Do you ever wonder what would have been if you had come out the closet alot sooner? I came out in batches at different times to different people and at different stages in my life. My social anxiety disorder had alot to do with me not coming out at the time I feel I should have at the age of 19. The trouble with having social anxiety disorder when you are also struggling with your sexuality is that you already feel a huge amount of shame for no reason whatsoever. And being confused about your sexuality adds to that shame. Let me just be clear about something real quick. Feeling shame was not something I could help. It just was. It was part of my identity the same way my smile was. I tried being someone I knew I never could really be because I wanted to hide who I really was. I do feel that had I not had social anxiety disorder it would have been easier for me to come out at a younger age. I ended up coming out to a few close friends first. Then at a later stage I came out to my mom. That one was forced though. The girlfriend I had at the time gave me an ultimatum and said she would leave me if I didn’t come out to my mom that same day. A couple years later I came out to co workers etc… Eventually I hit my late thirties and went through a severely dark depressive stage and had a “fuck everyone and everything” moment. So I let the whole world know who I was and that no one would tell me otherwise. I felt like I was Leonardo DiCaprio on the bow of the titanic and that I was on top of the world. Honestly at that point I did feel as though I would disappoint a lot of people who knew me but I did not care because I also deserved to be happy so i stuck it to them. I am now able to be who I am without hiding anything from anyone for any reason but I often wonder how my life would have turned out had I come out sooner.

Open Letter To Family & Friends With Loved Ones Who Have Depression

This is the deepest and most honest I will get with you on my timeline. You see, most of you think I either lie about my depression for attention or that I have magically recovered because when I post something it’s always positive and happy. I do this because no one likes to hear me talk about my depression and anxiety disorders. Because when I do people tend to become distant or even disappear completely. I’ve had people tell me that they are my friend yet those same people never reach out to me and never talk to me unless I talk to them first. I have had people tell me that I can talk to them if I need to but when I do they seem to get tired of it and stop responding. So much for that story!?! I have also had certain “family” members not bother to reach out to me at all knowing full well that I am struggling with this debilitating disease. Once again not bothering to talk to me unless I talk to them first. And these are people that are supposed to care about you. What most people don’t understand is that when you have depression you DO need people to reach out to you and to keep asking how you are doing and making you understand that they care. It is NOT going to just go away if you ignore it. It is not just a phase of sadness or seasonal depression. It is not attention seeking. I can honestly understand why people don’t talk to their friends and family about this because of this reason. When they decide to leave this earth they are seen as being selfish because they don’t see how their choice will hurt those left behind. But did those people ever think about how ignoring their loved ones is hurting them while they are struggling with depression?!? And let me tell you something from the bottom of my heart real quick. If it weren’t for my brother and sister I would not still be here. There are some people that think people like me should not discuss my personal depression and other mental health issues on a platform like Facebook, but from the point of view of someone in this black void of depression that is extremely hard to get out of, Facebook is a great platform for sharing my stories and raising awareness and standing up for those who feel they don’t have a voice and that no one cares. I haven’t even scratched the surface yet. You want to know the truth? Well here’s your truth:- I have been struggling with severe clinical depression and insomnia for the last two years. But you see, what you don’t know is that I had high functioning depression for years before this. I grew up with two separate anxiety disorders and never got help for them because no one ever believed me when I tried to tell them about it and was always told I was attention seeking. Social anxiety disorder, not to be confused with social phobia, is a personality disorder which is the product of being born with an amygdala that is not functioning properly. I have always felt like I don’t have a sense of self which has lead me to have identity issues most of my life. I also have generalised anxiety disorder which means I can’t even think about what I am going to have for dinner tomorrow night without constantly ruminating and stressing about it. I struggled with my sexuality for a very long time and have obviously completely come out but being someone with social anxiety disorder and coping with that at the same time is extremely exhausting. My mom was hit in the head by a stray bullet in a drive by shooting when I was ten years old. Five percent survival they said. I won’t go into much detail but she survived BUT her recovery was extremely painful and frustrating and took years. She had to learn how to walk again. She had to learn how to talk again. She had multiple surgeries. She had a speech therapist. They had to leave the bullet in her brain because removing it would have killed her. She developed lifelong epilepsy from her brain injuries. I can’t remember exactly at what age I got my period but it was the worst timing because my mom was not mentally able to be a mother at that time. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I never learnt about adolescence and the birds and the bees. I had to just wing it. I wasn’t really bullied in school but I constantly took the fall for the girls who were shit stirrers because they knew I wouldn’t fight back. At the age of 21 I lost my best friend to suicide. It was devastating. I did not even know him for that long but we clicked right away and he got me. He absolutely got me. The amount of guilt I have felt and continue to feel has haunted me for the last 20 years. He called me that night and asked me to come and see him. I told him I was at the bar with friends and Il see maybe we will make a turn later. A few drinks in and I completely forgot about it. The next morning his brains had painted the walls of his parents loft. Maybe, just maybe, if I had been there for him he would not have done it. Even just thinking about it makes my anxiety skyrocket. In my mid twenties I was the subject of online bullying by a group of lesbians that I thought would accept me as one of their own. I was completely wrong!! I was too quiet and not a party animal like they were so as soon as we were no longer face to face and were back online I would get called “the mute” and they would tell me to cut my tongue out if I’m not going to talk anyway. They would tell me that I would always be single and no one would ever love me because I’m a fuck up. I guess they were right about that one?!? A couple of years later I entered into a relationship with someone and fell in love. I moved 700km away to live with her. It was not a long relationship but let me tell you it was the longest year of my life. All I got from that relationship was a fear of intimacy and the inability to trust anyone else again. I was constantly verbally and emotionally abused. I was cheated on multiple times. She was extremely narcissistic and controlling. She got rid of my two kittens because she was jealous of me giving them attention. She hate me talking to my mom. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I wasn’t allowed to have any kind of social media or be on my phone at all. The fact that we were driving on a busy JHB highway at 120km and her telling me shes going to crash the car and kill both of us was nothing compared to the emotional scars she burned into my soul. Every other relationship I have had since then has failed after a couple of months because I could not give myself fully to that person and my self esteem was held together by a thin thread and any sign of what I perceived to be danger would make me emotionally unstable and would result in me getting dumped. And no it’s not because they were asshole or morons or bad people. I just was not emotion mature enough to handle a grown up relationship thanks to my ex. I also had to look after a sick parent and I mean sick. My mom was diagnosed with COPD as well as an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis at more or less the same time. As I watched her wither away to almost nothing I continued to battle my anxiety disorders, depression, self esteem issues, identity issues and loneliness I also had to do it alone with no help from other family. I left a good job because I could not do it all and it was too much for me to handle. Fast forward no job means no money and no money means no rent. Of course no rent means get the fuck out or I’ll throw you out. We ended up being homeless. And I don’t mean homeless and in sleeping in a nice comfy bed in a house that isn’t mine. I mean homeless as in sleeping in the car homeless. Imagine trying to take care of a sickly parent?!? My mom was in and out of hospitals so much I actually started liking being there because I was around people and mom could at least get food and be warm. I did not care about what happened to me. Fast forward. Mom passed away. I was completely devastated. I am still struggling to cope with her death. I was also diagnosed with complex ptsd a few months before she died. Fast forward. I moved to the UK with the help of a complete stranger and they expected nothing in return. I actually got asked by a family member what I had to do to get the plane ticket. How fucking rude. I did quite okay for the first three years and almost forgot that I was in hell. Unfortunately I left my job because my manager was abusive towards me. You see he thought that me being open about my anxiety to him was a good reason for him to constantly pick on me and make fun of me and berate me in front of customers. He would always blame me for everything that was not done right when it was time for inspection every month. It got to a point where I was so stressed that I stopped serving a customer and walked out and went home. I attempted a business which worked for 3 months then completely flopped. I was a border in someone’s house for those three years and she told me to leave because she didn’t want me at home all the time and let me make it very clear that I had NEVER not paid my rent while I was there and had always paid it on time. I had two weeks to get out and had to get help from the council. Luckily the day I had my appointment with them I had just got a brand new prescription for antidepressant medication and had the box of pills with me in my bag. That is the only reason they decided to help me with a place to stay through a housing association. The medication turned my mild insomnia into a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (google it I dare you). That combined with depression, complex ptsd, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and having the burden of financial strain, my ability to function went from 50% to about 5%. I went for months and months unable to leave the house unless I had to go get something at the shop. I hardly ever showered or ate. I hardly knew what day it was. My memory was slipping. I never cleaned my house. That is what depression does to you. My whole personality changed and I started to become very passive aggressive all the time. I never answered phone calls because I would be up all night and sleep all day. For this reason I lost the only friend I had here. She got frustrated with me having depression and told me to just get over it and get on with things. Okay well I wish I could?!? So yes! You might think I’m attention seeking or that it’s my fault for continuing to make stupid choices that land me in hot water but what you need to understand is how mental health has played a huge role in all of this then maybe you will start to understand why I am where I am and why I need people who say they care about me to be more involved in my life without me constantly feeling alone and not having the kind of support I need. One thing I have started to notice is that within the last couple of months I have really just thought fuck it I am just going to be myself (whoever that is) on social media. It was more of an experiment than anything else. I started to post things that I thought were funny or based on things I like or have some kind of interest in. I also decided to stop being ashamed of being a homosexual and say what I want to say when I want to say it. And what have I noticed?!??? Some people have started to treat me differently or ignore me even more because they don’t approve. But, let me just say that it honestly feels liberating!!! Because I am so tired of people, (whether they are strangers, acquaintances, friends or family) expecting me to always be this timid innocent little girl just so that you can continue to like me and to be what you want me to be. Those days are over my friends. I am getting on a plane in a week and will be spending the next three months getting my mind to reconnect with my soul so that I can be human enough to climb out of the abyss that I am in. So what I want you to take from this is that you should not judge any person struggling from depression. You should always believe when a person tells you how badly they are struggling. And you should show them the love and support that they need. Believe me when I say that I have never felt so alone until I felt my depression get this bad. Luckily my siblings care enough to be there for me. Other people aren’t that lucky👍👍💕💕💔💔💔

Behind Closed Doors (Part 1)

So, I was just randomly thinking as I always do. And I came across a memory of my ex. She’s not recent but she had a huge impact on my life and shaped all of my future relationships to come (not for what I am about to talk about but rather the fact that she was abusive).  There is a lot about this relationship that I won’t mention but it has caused me to question every other relationship I have ever had and I feel I have become a bit of an asshole as a result. This is what I call my defense mechanism. Oh boy, I’m really opening my sould to you and this is very uncomfortable LOL!
Anyway, we had a whirlwind romance and I dived in head first. Literally. We were like bunny rabbits right from the start. The sex was absolutely groundshakingly good. I felt like the more we had sex the closer we got. And we did for the first couple months. The honeymoon phase had nothing on us. Every other lesbian couple we knew were jealous of our relationship, not that this kind of thing really makes a difference to me. I was in love, or so I thought. But that’s a story for another day.
Fast forward a few months. The romance just kind of wilted away like the end of a long summer. Don’t get me wrong the sex was still there, infact, it was constant. The problem here is that she just wanted to have sex all the time and hardly ever do anything else such as lie in bed and watch a movie, talk for hours, have a romantic dinner, date nights, whatever couples do. I do love sex, especially with someone I have romantic feelings for. The thing is I don’t want to have it every time I have free time, sometimes I want to do those boring things like watch a movie together or go for a walk in the park. I literally couldn’t just lay and cuddle her without it turning into sex, and I mean NEVER. For me when it comes to sex I like it to happen naturally when we are both feeling it, I don’t like it to feel like it’s forced.
It did start to annoy me because that’s all our relationship was. I have no issue with having a f*ck buddy or sometimes having sex with someone who I am not in a relationship with but I feel that within in a romantic long term relationship there should at least be a lot more to it than that. She would often guilt trip me and use jealousy to get me to keep having sex whenever she wanted even if I was really not in the mood, I would literally just do it to keep her happy. She would tell me that she would go back to her ex boyfriend if I didn’t because he at least wanted it all the time like she did. Another few months go by and by this time I had become withdrawn and started to become resentful because this is not how I had imagined my future marriage to be. Yes, we were engaged.
I noticed that she started talking to other women online. It’s not like she tried very hard to hide it from me. She was always on her phone and I was not even allowed to download Facebook to keep in contact with my brother who lived in another country. She would also check my emails. I was constantly accused of cheating. I feel that she was saying this to cover up that she was the one cheating. Always late from work etc… I know for a fact that she cheated because she contracted something and I know I did not give it to her. I pretended that I was naive and didn’t know what was really going on. Few months later I went to visit my mom for two weeks. She completely ghosted me. Weeks after that I found out she had driven 800km to meet some woman she had been chatting to online and ended up living with her.
This was all the result of me withdrawing because of constantly being forced to have sex when I didn’t want to. However, I do feel like it’s my fault because maybe had I just carried on being her little slave that she would not have wanted to get it elsewhere and maybe she would have treated me better. Like I have mentioned before I do love having sex and I love having alot of it but when we are in the mood and it flows naturally.
So, I guess what I am asking you ladies is what is your take on all of this? Was I being an asshole? Was she? Am I a bad person for letting things get to that point?
Please visit my Facebook page HERE
%d bloggers like this: