“Toxic people spread their toxin to you and then you, in turn, become a wasteland like they are” – Body Focus
Let me start by saying that it’s not as easy as most people think it is to let go of past relationships, especially the most toxic ones. The most toxic relationship will be one between an empath and a narcissist. An empath will always look for the good in people even when they know there isn’t any. It is also damn near impossible to recognise a narcissist for who they truly are when you first meet them. In my case it took months before her true colours came through. I’ve mentioned this relationship in a previous blog post and I think this really affected me so badly that I was unable to really be in a relationship with anyone else for years after it ended. The narcissist is attracted to the empath because they know they can bend and break them for extended amounts of time before the empath gives up on them. They are an easy target from the start and once it’s all over the empath is emotionally battered and bruised for years to come. The fact that I didn’t get closure felt worse than how I had been treated during the whole relationship. I fell so deeply and always thought I was in the wrong. I always thought I was at fault. Of course it’s my fault she went looking elsewhere. Of course it was my fault she wanted to drive her car off a bridge with me in it. The breakup was extremely excruciating for me to endure. It took me four years to stop wearing my engagement ring.
Why I’ve Recently Made Contact
I’ve been struggling with all of my relationships in the last 13 years. Every single person I have been with since her I have pushed away. And it seems to happen right before we start getting close. Once again I am heartbroken because they can’t see any kind of future with me in it. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but my walls were built so high it became impossible for anyone to get to know me, the real me. Either that or I was attracting the wrong kind of women into my life. I always felt like this was my fault. Or that it was my social anxiety that was getting in my way. I wanted so badly to feel the kind of love that I knew I have always wanted. To have the kind of relationship where we are compatible in every way possible. The kind of relationship where you start out as best friends and fall completely in love once you really get to know them. The kind of relationship that lasts. The kind of relationship where you are supportive of each other no matter what you do in life. Like pieces of a puzzle that fit together so perfectly that you just know that it was meant to be. Through a lot of self-discovery and meditation I came to realise that the reason this wasn’t happening was because I had not fully let go of the toxic relationship that broke me years earlier. I am fully aware of the no contact rule when it comes to narcissists, however, for me the only way to let go and move on was to get the closure that I needed. So, I tried to contact her a few times over the last 13 years and it has always failed miserably because she would never answer any of the questions I asked her, one of them being why she left the way that she did. She would keep telling me that I was the one that left and she gave up on ever getting me back. What???? She would continuously try to make me think I was going crazy and that things didn’t happen the way I thought they did. I might be very socially awkward but I am most certainly not stupid and my memory of our entire relationship is as solid as a rock. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was never going to get an answer to that question and I was okay with that. I had let it go. But, I was still very uneasy about it all. And I know that in order to have any chance at a relationship in the future I need to do one thing, and that is to forgive her for everything she had ever put me through. The empath in me was coming out in full force. So, I messaged her on Whatsapp and I followed her on Instagram. We have spoken on and off a couple of times. And to be honest it has actually been very pleasant. Let me be clear, I do not in any way intend to ever go there again. But I have told her that I have forgiven her and we are not on bad terms anymore. She is in a new relationship and very happy and I wish her all the best with that. Afterall, we all deserve to be happy. I think my act of forgiveness has healed both of us. But I did it for me. I feel as though a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders and I am finally starting to feel like I am ready to meet my soulmate. She is out there and I cannot wait to meet her. As for my ex, I have completely let go of any need to have closure from her side. I have accepted things as they are and I know that I do not need to get her to say anything to make me feel better. I have done that all on my own.
You need to understand that it is okay to not get any answers or for them to have to explain to you why they did what they did. You can get closure by forgiving them and moving on with your life. This means that you have let go of the chains that are still tying you to them and they no longer have control over you. You win.