Fragmented

“That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate” – Carl Jung


According to Carl Jung we all have a shadow side the portion of our personality which, through the course of our life, is relegated to the darkness of the unconscious.


Introduction


Just to be very clear, when I talk about fragmentation I am referring to soul fragmentation and not multiple personality disorder otherwise known as disassociated identity disorder. Soul fragmentation can be referred to as soul loss or loss of parts of your soul either in this life, past lives or within different dimensions. This is usually caused by trauma. The trauma can be too much of a burden to carry and parts of the soul end up fragmenting, breaking off and settles in realms where they feel safe. I have always felt like I was missing a soul, that I have no or very little sense of self, that I was and still am a hollow shell. This presents itself in what is known in psychology as social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, two major anxiety disorders. Until I started looking into shamanism I really never found anything that would explain why I am who I am and why I’m not able to be my true authentic self no matter how much therapy I get or how much medication I take. Soul fragmentation resonates with me in such a way that it has all become so clear to me. Imagine feeling like you have just won the lottery only it isn’t money but rather an understanding of the answer to a life long question of why do I feel like I have no soul. I have always felt the need to mimic other people rather than being myself. Because myself is something or someone unknown to me.


The Early Years


There are only a few things that really stand out when it comes to remembering my early years. One of those things being what I thought was normal at the time that I later understood to be very wrong and traumatic and would be one of the major contributing factors to my soul being shattered. And then there are the other things I remember. At a very young age I would have frequent lucid dreams, I would astro travel a lot, I would have memories of past lives. I never fully understood this until recently. I cannot for the life of me do any of those things now but I was doing them all the time at a very young age. This is why I sense the feeling that I was either had a shamanic past or that I was meant to have a shamanic existence in this life. I am meant to be some kind of spiritual healer? Is that meant to be my destiny? Has the trauma I have endured over and over in my life contributed to me never knowing my purpose in life? I know for certain that I am an empath. I have also always been drawn to the dark side. Not evil but the more spiritual side of darkness, if that makes sense. I must admit, feeling like you are in limbo is excruciatingly painful. A few dreams I had as a young child have stayed very fresh in my mind even through all the brain fog and depressive memory loss. I would have frequent dreams of me struggling financially as an adult. Finding a lot of money only to wake up and it was a dream. Only, I didn’t need that money as a young child as we were a middle class family earning enough to survive and I was a child being taken care of by my parents so I didn’t need to worry about paying rent or buying food. But the feeling I had when having those dreams, struggling to always have enough money was the worst feeling in the world. Why was I having these dreams? I know and understand why. Throughout my whole adult life I have struggled financially whether I was working or not. Always trying to make ends meet and to have enough for bills, food etc. I would go through stages and cycles where I would be okay for a few months and then things would get bad again. Things would always get in my way. My personality would make sure I get into trouble because I was not able to articulate properly or to socialise when needed. My fragmented soul was not able to keep up with it all and I would end up suffering. I would end up losing everything. This cycle has been going on for over twenty three years. Those dreams I was having as a child. That was either my spirit guide or another version of myself, my true authentic self, warning me about my future. Unfortunately I was not aware of this until now.


My First Shamanic Journey


A shamanic journey is usually done in order for you to connect with your spirit guides. This is done so that you can receive messages or guidance in order to move forward with your healing and to become your authentic self. You can either do this by going to an actual shamanic healer or you can do it in the comfort of your own home, or garden. I decided to do this because something was just pulling me in this direction and I know I just have to do it. I found a guided shamanic journey audio on YouTube and decided to give it a try. I put my earphones in while lying comfortably on my bed and started the audio. At the beginning I thought this wouldn’t work because I struggle to meditate for five minutes let along sit through a twenty-minute session. I listened to the voice telling me what to do, guiding me along the way, with shamanic drums beating in the background. It was very soothing and I felt calm. I found myself in an ancient forest and was met by three beings. One a tiger, the second some kind of mystical ghostly and almost see-through being, and the third was my authentic self or I guess my shadow self (I’m not really sure). I sat down facing her and she told me some things and we connected as if a part of my soul that was lost had rejoined the rest of me. I know this sounds weird but to me it made a lot of sense at the time. She was happy that I finally came to the Akashic field so that I could find myself and be guided on the right path. When it was over and I opened my eyes I immediately started crying. I have no idea why this happened but I felt an overwhelmingly large amount of emotion sweep over me but in a good way. I knew. I knew that this was the moment I had been waiting for my whole life. I feel slightly more heart centred and less confused. Obviously there is a lot of work to be done but I just feel an overall sense of relief. I honestly would recommend this to every person on the planet. Have I found my calling? I’m not sure. But I do know that I will be able to put myself back together again.


Conclusion


I know that I might lose friends and/or followers now that I have decided to come out with all of this because I don’t fit into the norm of believing in God and the bible. I have no issues with religion and I most certainly always support others in their beliefs. But I want to be whole and this is my way of doing that. If it works for me then I will be doing it with the utmost conviction and hopefully no one will judge me for it. We are all human beings and we are all on our own path. I know what I have to do and where I am going and I am willing to sacrifice toxic people in order to get there. I have a lot of research and learning to do about shamanic ways and the spiritual world. But, I know that I have a calling and that my purpose has something to do with this. I’ve never felt so clear about anything in my life.


Come & Join Me On Webtalk HERE


 

Published by Gemini

Welcome to my life! I am just an ordinary girl in the world. I am here to express myself as best I can so that the world has a better understanding of me. My name is Janine. I grew up with social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I have overcome obstacles so high they should have been impossible. I am still here. I am still recovering. I am still learning.

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