Time To Get Back On Track

It’s Time To Grab That Part Of Myself I Lost & Become My True Self

A year ago I could barely get out of bed. Depression had taken a hold of my soul and dragged it so far down the rabbit hole that I thought I had stopped breathing and was just waiting for it to end. I was on autopilot and at the time I couldn’t care less where my ship landed. The antidepressants I was put on caused a severe circadian rhythm sleep disorder, let’s just call it insomnia. But not the kind that people usually complain about. Mine was chronic. It became so bad that I could not function thus making my depression worse. When my depression got worse it made both of my anxiety disorders worse. When my anxiety gets worse it makes my insomnia worse. And so it goes full circle round and round like a Ferris wheel. At one point I almost burnt my house down with me in it. This was about a year ago. At present, I am doing a lot better, although I am nowhere near where I should be. But it is for this reason that I have realised that the small steps that we take to recover do make a difference. I could still be vegetating my life away and not knowing what month of the year it is but I can get a little sleep at night and get up in the morning. I don’t get up as early as I would like but I do it. I’m eating regularly and making sure I shower, brush my teeth, wash my hair, etc.

I Made A Decision To Work Hard To Get Where I Want To Be

One thing that has had a huge impact on my recovery is the fact that I have lost a part of myself and struggling to get her back is what has been getting in my way all this time. My personality changed quite a bit. I became bitter and angry. I stopped being interested in certain hobbies and interests. I started to become very passive-aggressive. I lost friends. But that part is probably a good thing. Letting go of toxic relationships and people is what helped me to heal to the point where I am today. I always had a difficult time attracting the right kind of people into my life and I am pretty sure this is because of the energy I was putting out into the world. In no way is this my own fault but rather it has taught me a valuable lesson. I need to heal and I need to heal properly. I need to make a concerted effort and work very hard to be the person I know I am. I just need to dive very deep into that rabbit hole to bring her back out again. She is in there and she is drowning. I need to save her. This is an extraction mission. Nothing is impossible to achieve if you want it badly enough. I always say I’m going to do it this time and I end up half-assing everything and getting nowhere. I’m nowhere near where I was a year ago but I can feel myself struggling very much. I feel like I have no purpose and that I will never be happy. No love life to speak of. No real friends to hang out with. No place of my own with my own furniture. I feel so fatigued and I am always so tired that it takes so much effort just to walk up the stairs. I’m overweight and feel so unhealthy. I used to be so fit and full of energy. My physical health is at risk and it worries me. My face looks terrible because I eat too many sugary foods, don’t drink enough water, and never exercise. I’ve been struggling with stomach issues for quite some time. The doctor was worried that I have a hiatal hernia and would need surgery. In 2017 I went to a specialist and had a full gastroscopy done. It was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced in the physical realm. According to the specialist, there was so hernia in sight and everything inside me looked completely normal. Except for one thing. My BMI suggests that I am clinically obese. The specialist told me something that knocked me for a six. I have so much fat intertwined in and around my internal organs that they are suffocating as a result. This is why I feel so tired and fatigued. This is why I am struggling to breathe. This is why I’m having heart palpitations. This is why I feel like something is poking through my ribcage when I lie down. Not only that but my self-confidence is nowhere to be found. Three years later and I still haven’t done anything about it. In fact, I have gotten worse with my sugary cravings and have put on even more weight. I need to change so many habits but it is going to be extremely hard to do and I know I can do it because I gave up smoking so I am sure this is possible too. The decision I made was to take certain steps and keep doing them until I feel better body, mind and soul. I am not doing it to impress anybody else but to rather get myself to a point where I feel like myself again. I need to force myself to give up certain types of food and drink. I plan on doing less time on social media and more time in nature and doing things like meditation and yoga. I want to start jogging again. This is something that has always helped me to lose weight in the past. It also has a profoundly positive effect on my mental health. So, why am I not doing it? Because I have become lazy and full of self-hatred. And when that happens you tend to keep telling yourself that there is no point in trying.

Why Have I Changed My Mind 

I’ve been doing a lot of visualizing. This is an action I use in manifesting things into my life by using the law of attraction. I have been seeing how I would like my future to look. Where I want to live. How I want my house to look. The kind of partner I want in my life. Finally making money from blogging etc. Whenever I do this regularly I get a feeling of love, contentment, excitement. And this makes me feel like it is possible to get there. The only problem is that I have not actively done anything to get it. I cannot settle for just being here and waiting to die. I want to live. To truly be myself and to accept who I am. I need to make changes. They have to be big changes and some of them permanent. I know where I want to be and I know what I need to do to get there. All I have to do now is to act.

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Published by Gemini

Welcome to my life! I am just an ordinary girl in the world. I am here to express myself as best I can so that the world has a better understanding of me. My name is Janine. I grew up with social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I have overcome obstacles so high they should have been impossible. I am still here. I am still recovering. I am still learning.

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