This year definitely tested me in more ways than one. I can honestly say that it has been one of the worst years of my life. My depression was at its absolute worst and I was heading down a very dark road. Spiraling into the abyss is the most awful feeling you can feel. Those who have experienced depression know exactly what I’m talking about. I was put on antidepressants that caused a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (in layman’s terms this is very bad insomnia that is difficult to fix) which kept getting worse even after discontinuing the medication. I kept losing myself piece by piece everyday until I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I lost two really great friends. I lost a fantastic budding relationship. I lost everything. I lost faith in myself and did not think that change was possible. I felt defeated. I was KO’d by life. Never to get back up again. This was it. This was the end. Fortunately, coming to Australia and being around my family has given me a new found trust in the universe and I am starting to understand that anything is possible and I am starting to think more positively. I am excited about my future.
What Have I Learned This Year?
- Friendships don’t last forever and people don’t always grow with you. This in no way implies that these are bad people. As the saying goes, each to their own. Some people come into our lives at the exact time that we need them to be there. We learn some kind of lesson from them or the friendship itself and then they move on and so do we. What I learned this year is that it is okay for friendships to end in order for me to grow as a person.
- I am far too nice to other people. It has taken me a very long time to realise that one. I am someone that is very likable and approachable. I have no idea why that is to be honest. And I am very down to earth and open minded when it comes to other peoples views and how they see and experience life. Unfortunately, people do tend to take advantage of that fact because they see me as weak. Why? Because i’m and empath and I can’t say no. Obviously I do have my limits but I find it very hard to set boundaries and people use me as a doormat. I have decided that it is time to change that.
What Are My Goals For 2020?
- I want to get back into shape. Yes, I understand that round is a shape and I am most certainly very very round. About three and a half to four years ago things were really good for me. I was working full time as well as overtime so had enough money to pay my bills and to save money to go on holidays. I decided to go back to the gym and get back to weight training. This was always something that made me feel alive and it also did wonders for my social anxiety. I was surrounded by like minded people and I was doing what I loved. I was obsessed with working out and sticking to a strict eating plan. I lost a bunch of weight and started toning up nicely. In fact, here are a few photos from that time:
I mean I have not changed as a person and I am most certainly not putting myself down because of my weight, however, I do not feel very healthy physically and want to get myself back to being confident and not depressed. So, I am going to do everything in my power to get back on track. I can’t afford to start of at the gym so will start by going for long walks, working out at home, doing yoga and eating healthy.
- I want to achieve a higher following on my blog, YouTube channel and Facebook page. I have felt for a while now that my success will come at the right time and I feel like this is the year when all of that will happen. I have always wanted to work from home and have the freedom to come and go as I please. This sounds like everyone far fetched dream but in reality if it is what you want it is achievable. I tend to always give up on a project if I don’t see results in the beginning but I understand now that it takes time to build and online presence. There are thousands of people that make money blogging and I am going to stick to a schedule and maintain my blog no matter what the stats are. Positive thoughts always bring positive results.
- I want to get out more and make more friends. This is not as easy as it sounds, especially in the UK. Being someone with two anxiety disorder doesn’t really help either. I read somewhere that your vibe attracts your tribe. So, I do believe that I can meet friends that I have alot in common with and who are on the same level as me. I just have to keep working on my self esteem and positivity and things will fall into place.
- I want to pay off all of my debt. This sounds like a monstrous task. Why? Because I am struggling financially and when you have depression you allow your debt to climb to crazy proportions because you don’t care anymore. I have been so low that I really did not give a rats butt what happened. Life was standing still and my thinking was nowhere near rational. I had two failed business ideas that flopped miserably and I couldn’t stand the idea of working for a boss again so I failed myself and put myself in a lot of debt. I am going to make it a priority to sort that out as fast as I can so that I can start living a better existence.
- I am going to continue to recover from depression. I am doing really well at the moment. It has been to months since I came to Australia and I have a month left until I return to the UK. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity because it has taught me a lot and I have even started sleeping at night. And trust me, that is an enormous achievement. I have been doing a lot of visualization and EFT Tapping (I will go into more detail about this in another post) which helps with my anxiety and keeps my moods level. I am actually starting to think rationally and to see a future for myself rather than just a black void.