If you are reading this because you are going through some kind of narcissistic abusive cycle with someone in your life I truely hope that you can find your voice. I would love for you to break free from those heavy chains and to blossom into the wonderful person we both know you can be. You see, as long as you are under a narcissists spell they will always pull your puppet strings and they will always control you. I am here to tell you how to stop them in their tracks.
1. Speak Up For Yourself!
A narcissist will be sure to strip you bare of your self confidence. They will make sure that you have no self worth and they thrive on you being timid and unable to properly communicate with others. This makes it very easy for them to control you. And I know from experience that every time you want to stand up for yourself you either don’t because you are too afraid or you have held it in so long that when you do it comes out as an outburst of anger and makes you look like the one who has the problem. In order to make sure this does not happen it is better to speak up for yourself every time they take your power away from you. If they say something to hurt your feelings then tell them that in a clear and confident tone. If need be tell them that you will not tolerate any form of abuse from them. When you do that they are stumped because they do not expect you to stand up for yourself nevermind confidently.
2. Act Happy And Content Around Them!
One thing I have most certainly noticed is that a narcissist gets upset or angry (in some cases both) when they see you happy and having a good time. This makes them feel like they are losing control over you and that their tactics are not working. It hurts them a great deal infact. I am not condoning making someone feel bad or to deliberately upset them, however, you need to stop them from taking your power and using it to drain the life force out of you.
3. Set Clear Boundaries!
One thing a narcissist loves is to overstep your boundaries. They do not feel empathy for you and will go at any length to make sure that your boundaries are stomped on and torn apart so that they have more access to your self worth so that they can tear that apart too. You are entitled as an individual human being living on this planet to set boundaries. Some people may think this does not apply to them because they have no sense of self (social anxiety disorder) or feel like they are not worth anything due to having such a low self esteem. I can tell you with absolute certainty that YOU are allowed to have boundaries and that other people in your life DO have to respect that. Make sure that you tell the narcissist that they need to respect your boundaries BUT do it in a soft yet confident tone. Don’t do it in a way that could provoke them.
4. Don’t Give In To Their Sense Of Entitlement!
The narcissist loves to think they are entitled to have what they want and they will always try to convince you to give it or in some cases to buy it for them. When you don’t give them what they want or behave the way they want you to then they feel that you are selfish and self centred. An example would be going to the shops and them constantly hinting at something they want in such a way that it makes you want to get it for them just to get them to stop. If they do not get it they sulk for the remainder of the day in order to make you feel bad about it. DO NOT give in to this. DO NOT feel bad about it either. We both know that they would not return the favour because they do not see you as worthy.
5. Don’t Take It Personally!
A narcissist is very good at making you feel bad about yourself. They do this by any means possible and they deliberately try to trigger you at any chance that they get. They love to criticise you, blame everything on you and to try to convince you that you are the problem (gaslighting). They will make you feel guilty for all sorts of reasons. They will make you believe your are worthless. They will tell you that nobody likes you and that everybody feels that they have to walk on eggshells around you. I understand how difficult it is to ignore this kind of behaviour and to let it go because it gets to you. It gets to you so much that you believe every word of it. The narcissist wants you to feel this way. You know who you are. Deep down inside you know what you are capable of and what personality type you are. You know which parts of yourself you show to others. Believe yourself, not them.
6. Don’t Try To Defend Yourself To Others!
The narcissist will try to taint your name and to paint a very bad picture of you to other people behind your back. They will even do it sitting in the other room within earshot. That is how confident they are that you won’t stand up for yourself. They will make sure that other people in and around your circle believe that you are an absolutely terrible person and that you treat them badly. They will tell them that you act all innocent infront of everyone but show your true colours behind closed doors. This is them projecting their own behaviour and twisting it to make them think it’s you and not them. Most people feel the need to go to those people and to defend themselves and to tell them the truth so that they can see what is really happening. I can assure you that you do not need to do this. It is absolutely NOT necessary. I firmly believe that actions speak louder than words. People can tell what kind of person you are by your actions and they will eventually see the narcissist for who they really are. As the saying goes, he who shouts the loudest often has the most to hide. Sound familiar?
7. Keep A Safe Distance!
Being around a narcissist all the time can be damaging and have have long lasting consequences. Unfortunately, there are certain people we have to be around due to certain circumstances and that can’t always be avoided. But, you do need to keep a safe distance so that you can have sufficient recovery time and enough space to be yourself. Even if you are in the same house, town, city etc you do not have to spend every waking moment with them, even if they expect you do (remember those boundaries). Some people can handle their narcissist in very small doses. Anything more than that can poison you and we don’t want that. We want freedom and that means keeping a safe distance.
8. Don’t Try To Change Yourself To Keep Them Happy!
You DO NOT have to change who you are or even parts of yourself to fit into the box that someone else has built for you. The narcissist is very good at making you climb into that box so that others can see that what they say about you rings true. You are free to be yourself and if that means making them angry then so be it. Let them be angry. Let them be upset. Let them sulk for days on end. As long as you are true to yourself nothing else matters.
9. You Do Not Have To Stay With An Abusive Partner!
This is a very bitter pill to swaller BUT I say this sincerely and with the best intent. You do not have to stay with an abusive partner. The narcissist partner will control you and every decision you make until you are too broken to mend. I do not believe a narcissist can change because it is a disorder of the personality. I understand that they cannot help this but they do like being this way because let’s face it. If a person feels not empathy for others it makes it easy to want to be controlling and to have power over you. They love being who they are and they cannot imagine being anyone else. I guess everyonen needs love but you need to make sure it’s not hurting you more than nurturing you. Leave if you want to. Leave if you have to. Leave if you need to. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Save yourself from further damage so that you can be loved by someone that deserves you.
10. Don’t Give In To Manipulation!
You do not have to do everything the narcissist wants you to. One thing they are very good at is manipulation. They will always try to get you to do what they want you to do. This can be anything from the clothing you buy to what you eat for dinner. They seem to have a “my way or the highway” attitude and always try to manipulate and bully you into buying, doing, saying, eating, wanting or even seeing things as they want you to. They are basically pulling puppet strings. You are allowed to do, buy, eat, say and want anything you want because you are not a part of their personality, you are an individual human being with individual wants and needs. We are not all the same and we do not all have to do what everyone else likes. Do what makes you happy.