Why I Came Out Later Than I Should Have

Do you ever wonder what would have been if you had come out the closet alot sooner? I came out in batches at different times to different people and at different stages in my life. My social anxiety disorder had alot to do with me not coming out at the time I feel I should have at the age of 19. The trouble with having social anxiety disorder when you are also struggling with your sexuality is that you already feel a huge amount of shame for no reason whatsoever. And being confused about your sexuality adds to that shame. Let me just be clear about something real quick. Feeling shame was not something I could help. It just was. It was part of my identity the same way my smile was. I tried being someone I knew I never could really be because I wanted to hide who I really was. I do feel that had I not had social anxiety disorder it would have been easier for me to come out at a younger age. I ended up coming out to a few close friends first. Then at a later stage I came out to my mom. That one was forced though. The girlfriend I had at the time gave me an ultimatum and said she would leave me if I didn’t come out to my mom that same day. A couple years later I came out to co workers etc… Eventually I hit my late thirties and went through a severely dark depressive stage and had a “fuck everyone and everything” moment. So I let the whole world know who I was and that no one would tell me otherwise. I felt like I was Leonardo DiCaprio on the bow of the titanic and that I was on top of the world. Honestly at that point I did feel as though I would disappoint a lot of people who knew me but I did not care because I also deserved to be happy so i stuck it to them. I am now able to be who I am without hiding anything from anyone for any reason but I often wonder how my life would have turned out had I come out sooner.

Published by Gemini

Welcome to my life! I am just an ordinary girl in the world. I am here to express myself as best I can so that the world has a better understanding of me. My name is Janine. I grew up with social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I have overcome obstacles so high they should have been impossible. I am still here. I am still recovering. I am still learning.

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