Behind Closed Doors (Part 1)

So, I was just randomly thinking as I always do. And I came across a memory of my ex. She’s not recent but she had a huge impact on my life and shaped all of my future relationships to come (not for what I am about to talk about but rather the fact that she was abusive).¬† There is a lot about this relationship that I won’t mention but it has caused me to question every other relationship I have ever had and I feel I have become a bit of an asshole as a result. This is what I call my defense mechanism. Oh boy, I’m really opening my sould to you and this is very uncomfortable LOL!
Anyway, we had a whirlwind romance and I dived in head first. Literally. We were like bunny rabbits right from the start. The sex was absolutely groundshakingly good. I felt like the more we had sex the closer we got. And we did for the first couple months. The honeymoon phase had nothing on us. Every other lesbian couple we knew were jealous of our relationship, not that this kind of thing really makes a difference to me. I was in love, or so I thought. But that’s a story for another day.
Fast forward a few months. The romance just kind of wilted away like the end of a long summer. Don’t get me wrong the sex was still there, infact, it was constant. The problem here is that she just wanted to have sex all the time and hardly ever do anything else such as lie in bed and watch a movie, talk for hours, have a romantic dinner, date nights, whatever couples do. I do love sex, especially with someone I have romantic feelings for. The thing is I don’t want to have it every time I have free time, sometimes I want to do those boring things like watch a movie together or go for a walk in the park. I literally couldn’t just lay and cuddle her without it turning into sex, and I mean NEVER. For me when it comes to sex I like it to happen naturally when we are both feeling it, I don’t like it to feel like it’s forced.
It did start to annoy me because that’s all our relationship was. I have no issue with having a f*ck buddy or sometimes having sex with someone who I am not in a relationship with but I feel that within in a romantic long term relationship there should at least be a lot more to it than that. She would often guilt trip me and use jealousy to get me to keep having sex whenever she wanted even if I was really not in the mood, I would literally just do it to keep her happy. She would tell me that she would go back to her ex boyfriend if I didn’t because he at least wanted it all the time like she did. Another few months go by and by this time I had become withdrawn and started to become resentful because this is not how I had imagined my future marriage to be. Yes, we were engaged.
I noticed that she started talking to other women online. It’s not like she tried very hard to hide it from me. She was always on her phone and I was not even allowed to download Facebook to keep in contact with my brother who lived in another country. She would also check my emails. I was constantly accused of cheating. I feel that she was saying this to cover up that she was the one cheating. Always late from work etc… I know for a fact that she cheated because she contracted something and I know I did not give it to her. I pretended that I was naive and didn’t know what was really going on. Few months later I went to visit my mom for two weeks. She completely ghosted me. Weeks after that I found out she had driven 800km to meet some woman she had been chatting to online and ended up living with her.
This was all the result of me withdrawing because of constantly being forced to have sex when I didn’t want to. However, I do feel like it’s my fault because maybe had I just carried on being her little slave that she would not have wanted to get it elsewhere and maybe she would have treated me better. Like I have mentioned before I do love having sex and I love having alot of it but when we are in the mood and it flows naturally.
So, I guess what I am asking you ladies is what is your take on all of this? Was I being an asshole? Was she? Am I a bad person for letting things get to that point?
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Published by Gemini

Welcome to my life! I am just an ordinary girl in the world. I am here to express myself as best I can so that the world has a better understanding of me. My name is Janine. I grew up with social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I have overcome obstacles so high they should have been impossible. I am still here. I am still recovering. I am still learning.

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